Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
