oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dating After Heartbreak
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.