Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Pants 0. Shit 1.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
