Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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