Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
