I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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