So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
