I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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