Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
