You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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