if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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