i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Ladies don't puke and tell
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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