She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates