me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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