Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
