Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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