i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
lol hangovers are for mortals.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
