I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Randomize
