one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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