Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
