i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
There's always time for handjobs
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
