she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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