you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
