my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
