I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
