i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
