the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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