I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.