The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
