Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
