just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It's shark week go big or go home
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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