Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So I got this new jobâ€¦ ever been fucked in a corner office before?