Sorry, I don't speak sober.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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