just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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