the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
