Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
