Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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