I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
