someone threw a dead crab at me
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
im six kinds of drunk right now
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
