Say something about gay babies.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
