I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
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I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
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My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize