Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
