She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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