ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
