He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
