Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
