Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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