I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
