gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
