My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
