we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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