wrigley field is MILF paradise
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
