I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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