Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
