WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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