I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
