Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He did a backflip because drugs
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