My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
