yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
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if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
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DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize