wakey wakey hands off snakey
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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