Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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